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A dear friend recently wrote this note to me:
Please know that though my own fears can elicit total terror in me at times, your fears shared at the deepest level elicit only love. By sharing, you give me the compliment of your confidence. I can watch you through your narrow passages never fearful that they will swallow you. Ever knowing how much larger your true life is and ever will be. To watch each other–that is grace. May your journeys this month bring you the grace of Spring renewal, S.
Let us all watch over each other and share grace.
Let us also take time out in nature for Spring renewal after an intense winter.
Melita
As I deepen into the magical quiet and sacredness of this season following yesterday’s awe-inspiring full moon eclipse and Solstice, I understand that there is nothing more important to me than to offer a deep bow of gratitude to the mystery of creation for the gift of my life on this beautiful blue planet, with all its joys and sorrows, blessings and challenges. For they are all part of the wholeness – or holiness – and this holy season reminds us that, even in the darkest moments of our lives, the love and light of new creation is present and waiting to return and fill us again.
We buspar buy have had a great year here at Oregon House and I have had the privilege of watching healing taking place on all levels for many people. And so, for all your amazing support of the work here, I offer a deep bow of gratitude and love to all our individual retreat guests, our group facilitators and participants, my husband Dave and helpers Eileen and Stephanie, our caterers Pamela, Kai and Marianne, the makers of our video Morris and Lynn Walker, and all our subcontractors and suppliers. Without all of you, none of this would be possible. I wish you all and your families much joy and love this holiday season and may the new year bring you deep peace, good health and abundant blessings. Melita
“I feel like a caged bird”, I complained to my friend over coffee some time ago. “I’m a freedom-loving bird – I’m used to being able to get up and go whenever I wanted” , I wailed, as if I couldn’t get my mind around my current situation, which I loved on many levels and felt I had been so divinely guided toward. Result – confusion and guilt.
Being a very wise woman, my friend encouraged me to celebrate buspar anti-anxiety prescription and embrace my love of freedom instead of feeling guilty about it. That did it, of course – every good therapist knows there’s nothing like giving approval and permission to our shadowy selves to free us from self protection and open up another level of understanding. “I’m the one who put myself in the cage, locked the door and threw the key away”. I remembered that I had joyfully accepted the challenge to put everything I had into creating a retreat center on the Oregon coast – in fact having that challenge and mission freed me from years of aimlessness and depression – suddenly I had something I believed in to work for. And work I have 24/7 for 13 years it seems.
My wonderful friend Lynn Walker who, with her husband Morris, made the video on our home page, emailed recently with a link to a video they just made in Hawaii of the Hula Girl sailing catamaran cruise. When I replied that I was enviousness and could see that they were having a lot of fun as well as working in Hawaii, she replied “We always have fun when we work – and so do you!” Am I getting the message yet?
Which brought me to a meditation on the meaning of freedom and commitment. I know that I am not alone in slipping into equating freedom with having no commitments, no responsibilities. Michael Singer in his wonderful book “The Untethered Soul” writes that the prerequisite to true freedom is to decide that you do not want to suffer anymore. He says that the price of this freedom is pain. Change involves challenging what is familiar to us and daring to question our traditional needs for safety, comfort and control, and this is often perceived as a painful experience.
We all know what it feels like to meet a place inside ourselves which feels disturbing and uncomfortable. Many of us have adopted a strategy of avoiding this place by changing our external circumstances, and the ability to do this – leave a job, a relationship or a country – has felt like “freedom”, and we chafe at the bars if our external circumstances don’t allow for easy modification or if doing so would involve an even greater sense of loss than staying put in our uncomfortable situation. But are we really free?
Singer reminds us that we all carry a layer of pain seated deep in the core of our heart and that our psyches are built on avoiding this pain, so that fear of pain is at the foundation of our very selves and runs our lives. Which is the opposite of freedom. If we have a very busy work or social life to avoid feelings of rejection and loneliness, the chances are that we will feel lonely and rejected by the slightest lack of response from our friends or co-workers, because any behavior pattern based on the avoidance of pain becomes a doorway to the pain itself. The only way out is through, so we must be willing to face the fear and feel the pain to understand what it is. Singer suggests that if we want to be free all we have to do is view inner pain as a temporary shift in our energy field. Pain is not a problem, it’s just a thing in the universe and it is pointless to live life motivated by avoiding it.
The important word is “temporary”. Stuff happens – we cannot control everything that happens to and around us – the attempt to do so makes us crazy. The only thing we can control is our response. Knowing that inner pain is inevitable, but that it passes, opens us to the possibility of being at peace with it. It’s just a feeling. We can handle a feeling. Or else we will devote our lives to avoiding it. We get to choose.
So maybe encouraging me to lock myself in that cage was my soul’s way of robbing my psyche of its avoidance strategy for fleeing pain, which I mistook for freedom, and bringing me finally to this understanding so that I could be truly free. Maybe commitment, rather than being the opposite of freedom, is the path to freedom.
Melita
I have been thinking a lot recently about connectedness – and intending to write a blog about it in the context of the web, social media transparency and the generation we call the Millennials. I still hope to write that, but meanwhile a recent incident at Oregon House brought me one of those divine, heart-opening moments of grace when I felt so strongly how connected we are at a deep level. It started when a mother/daughter duo at our recent SRF Ladies Divine Mother’s Day retreat noticed a print I had of Kuan Yin hanging in the Library and asked if they could take it up to the meditation room to add to their altar. Actually, I guess it started back in spring 2000 when the cover art of the Alternatives magazine edition in which I had an article called “Holding Space” published, was a painting of Kuan Yin by Jonathan Weber. I really liked the image and arranged with Jonathan to display a framed print of it in our store and offer prints for sale. I sold a few and later reorganized the store – it seemed the moment had passed – and hung the picture in various places around Oregon House, eventually in the Library. So at the end of the ladies’ retreat, when Clarice, the daughter – a beautiful young lady I have watched grow up over the years that she and her mother Maudeen have been attending SRF retreats here – said how much she loved the picture, I mentioned I thought I still had a print or two left for sale. She bought one and was so thrilled to have it for her room. Two weeks later, a lady attending David Waldman’s Heart of Satsang retreat for the first time, walked into the store, looked at he picture and said – “Oh, my son”! Turned out she was Jonathan’s mother. She misses her son – she told me that he now lives in Norway with his wife and child – and was so thrilled to see his work displayed in our store. She promised to send me copies of his painting of Mary Magdalene, which was a featured print in Margaret Starbird’s 2005 book “Mary Magdalene, Bride in Exile”, and of the Green Tara, so hopefully our display of Jonathan’s inspiring altar images will grow shortly to include these other images of the divine feminine. Melita
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I first was introduced to this concept during my studies with Ellias Lonsdale (see my blog post Year of the Tiger – Awakening from the Trance of Normalcy). His Star Genesis interpretation of my soul path, as indicated by my sun at the root of my astrological chart, was that I needed to learn how to come all the way down and in, to embrace fully what it means to be human. My challenge was to come alive at the root and bring the spirit force all the way down into incarnation. He told me that in doing so I would need to face the unfaceable depths, reveal everything which wants to remain hidden. I was to resist the temptation of premature transcendence. This was my path to empowerment since, once mobilized, this energy would be unstoppable
I realized, when I contemplated this, how much I did not and had never wanted to be here! My resistance to life took many forms. I liked to sleep as much as I could – carpe diem was never my motto! I was a loner and did not enjoy clubs and groups. I hated to commit to anything or anyone, always making sure that the exit door was ajar. Mainly I read and studied a lot, trying to understand this strange realm I found myself in but did not feel a part of. But I did not embrace it. I thought that maybe if I could analyze, sort and file my experiences, I could gain some measure of control over them. But I most certainly did not want to feel them. My fear was that, if I allowed myself to really get into anything, I would lose myself and never find the way out. An interesting question now would be – which “self” was I afraid of losing?
So that’s pretty much how it was when I found myself really wanting to move to Oregon (from England) 15 years ago, and fearfully contemplating the path which presented itself, which was to buy Oregon House and create a retreat center. I wrote in a previous blog (The Inner Healer) about my journey with ayahuasca in Peru in which I confronted the death experience, and the subsequent trip to Assisi where I was inspired by the life of St. Francis. All this, plus time spent at the Findhorn Community in Scotland where I experienced an amazing spiritual awakening, helped me overcome the fear of the commitment involved mainly because I felt deeply guided. Once I jumped in, I lost all sense of control. Stuff happened and I had to deal with it. There was no way out, no exit anywhere in sight. Despite a couple of tries, selling (out) was not an option. I was here, I was in it. In the nearly 13 years I have been serving at Oregon House, I have been brought to my knees as those hidden parts of myself have revealed themselves and I have faced depths of feelings of loss, fear, betrayal and abandonment. I have become stronger as I have moved through each experience, only to understand and know how tightly my hand was held by the divine through each one. I have also experienced many moments of complete joy and what it means to be empowered, fulfilled, loved and supported. As I wrote last time, I have finally reached a place of surrender to what is, no longer afraid that I do not have the strength to embrace whatever happens. So I think I can say that now I am willing to really be here and know the human condition, also knowing that I am connected to all that is, human and divine.
I recently read an article by Brock Noyes (www.brocknoyes.com) in the Spring edition of Alternatives magazine. It seems he has had his own awakening to this, but his avoidance path was intense meditation and yoga. He writes: “Most of us spiritual seekers are not trying to ‘be here now’ at all, we really want to be ‘up there’. He says “I thought enlightenment was a journey transcending the human experience, only to discover that it’s about being compassionately present with what is”. He suggests that “most forms of meditation and yoga are psychological strategies disguised as spirituality” and that much of what is currently offered by the self-help world is “really a subtle massaging of the ego”. I have also come to the conclusion that this is indeed true, unless there is deep awareness that these are tools to help us in our path to full incarnation, rather than to help us transcend the need to incarnate. The truth is that, as Mark Borax (www.markborax.com) says, we need authentic selfhood before we can experience authentic merging, that we can’t transcend selfhood until we act it out. That’s the karmic theatre we are in. He suggests we need to identify genuine role models, those who can show us a rightful and authentic model of power and authority.
We have just emerged from the celebration of Lent and Easter in the Christian calendar. Maybe this story of Christ gives us the most authentic role model we can imagine. I have been following Lynn Jericho’s “Inner Year” teachings (www.lynnjericho.com), in which she invites us to explore the soul’s experience of this powerful time. She reminds us that the story of Lent and Jesus’s time in the wilderness, was the story of his resisting the temptation to prematurely excarnate and reclaim His godhood, instead surrendering his spirit to full earthly embodiment and the acceptance of earthly limitations. She writes: “He had just put on physical and emotional garments of hunger, thirst, exhaustion, pain. He needed to experience imbalance, self-consciousness, and neediness. He needed to carry the weight of the world, be without any comfort, and face the greatest temptations of body and soul. He had to become the Son of Man to understand and suffer the sins of man”. She invites us to consider these temptations for ourselves on an inner level, describing them as the temptations of addiction, fantasy and prejudice. Addiction is the belief that some substance or behavior will transform emptiness into fullness; fantasy is the attempt to relinquish our responsibility and will to test divine love; prejudice is our belief that holding a fixed perspective, holding onto the past, will conquer a living, changing situation. These are ways in which we attempt to evade being fully present with what is right now.
After His years of teaching, Jesus makes the ultimate sacrifice, submits himself willingly to experience necessary betrayal, abandonment, humiliation, torture and death of the body, only to reappear to show us all that the soul survives and transcends the death of the body, even after experiencing the full depths of human suffering. He offered us a way to set ourselves free. I wonder, though, if Christ could have taken on this unthinkable task for humanity if he had not first gained mastery of his consciousness through deep practices. There is evidence that Jesus travelled to the east during the “lost” years between ages 13 and 30 and studied the dharma teachings and practices of the Buddha and others – Paul Davids made an interesting movie called “Jesus in India”. These teachings show us that our thoughts, feelings and sensations are not who we are. They are simply objects, products of the mind and heart, which may be observed by the subject, the real Self, soul, atman, the I AM. Through these meditation practices we learn to transcend the ego, reclaim authority over the experiences we are having, elevate our life over the dramas of the world. We simply sit back and watch as thoughts, feelings and sensations arise and fall, endlessly. As Brock Noyes says, instead of trying to control the mind in his meditation practices, he learned “that there is true beauty and grace in the surrender to the reality that the mind will ever continue to spew out its labyrinth of soap opera stories and neurotic tape-loops. The alternative, going to war with your own mind, is a hell realm.” I like to think that Jesus learned to master these practices before his final acts on behalf of us all when he demonstrated that there was nothing to fear in fully entering into human experience. I am also sure that he and Mary Magdalene knew the mysteries of energetic and plant medicine, so that the spikenard oil she rubbed on his feet elevated his energy from fear to love and helped him endure the crucifixion. But that’s another story. Except to say that we do well ourselves to not only master our own mind and ego through meditation practices, but also to learn the secrets of how to manage our energy directly, if we are to endure full embodiment, to ” know willingly, and with fierce understanding, gravity and weight, boundaries and limitations, resistance and reluctance, endurance and forebearance, wholeness and integrity” (Lynn Jericho).
So, it seems this is the journey we are all on, learning the tools and having the courage to really ‘be here now’, so that we can be truly in authentic power, be free. What exactly does this mean? What is it for? Brock Noyes concludes that “the bravest journey is opening the heart” and being grateful for the rare opportunity to experience life in human form. I would add “and keeping it open”, resisting closing down when life gets challenging. If we follow the Christ path of compassionate service in the world, we can teach and be a role model to others of compassion, openness and empowerment, of fearless tolerance. What might that lead to next? What might be the next development in the evolution of consciousness – interesting that I have come all this way and only just mentioned this word!
We are in a rapidly changing world. I look at the things we create in the world as reflections and manifestations of who we are. So I look at how we are becoming more interconnected through the various tools of the internet, and feel deeply that this reflects a longing to see ‘out there’ what we know as our inner truth – that there is no separation, we are all connected to each other and to the divine. So I believe we are collectively on a path to self-awareness by manifesting the divine in all its diversity and all its unity, peace, truth and beauty. They say the truth sets us free. So, only when we deeply know the truth of who we are by seeing it manifest, will we be truly free. And true freedom must surely be the path to authentic power and authentic merging back into the mystery.
I highly recommend Michael Singer’s book “The Untethered Soul” for great teachings on how to untether consciousness from ego. I also want to acknowledge that both Ellias Lonsdale and Lynn Jericho are inspired by the teachings of Rudolph Steiner. I have not studied Steiner directly, but think maybe I would like to.
Melita
Welcome to the Chinese Year of the Tiger. Seems like it might have some claws and teeth!
There are astrological build-ups happening as we move toward late spring and summer that will definitely bring upheavals as we tumble and thrash our way to restructuring our lives, both personal and collective, to bring more balance and sense into the picture. We so resist change because we are afraid of the chaos of the passage, even though the end result is attractive and calls, pulls and pushes us forward. Birth process, anyone? As we enter what Mark Borax says will be the “make it AND break it year”, we are awakening from what Ellias Lonsdale calls the “trance of normalcy”. Mark published “2012 – Crossing the Bridge to the Future” in 2008. It is a memoir of the mystery school he attended around the time of the Harmonic Convergence in the late 80′s with the wizard Ellias (then William) Lonsdale. The book is well worth reading as it looks ahead to the current times and the changes that are to inevitably come.
If you have been waiting for 2012, it has come 2 years early! Astrologically, the planetary line-ups this year and next outshine for intensity anything showing in 2012*, so you might as well let go of the resistance to what is insisting on change in your life right now and trust that it is necessary for you if you are to pass through the rabbit hole when our sun aligns with galactic center at the winter solstice of 2012. This is not necessarily an apocalyptic vision, though the recent earthquakes in Haiti, Chile and Turkey may be a sign that there are more earth upheavals to come. I can’t help but think of that line from “Avatar” when Jake tries to invoke the forces of nature through the holy tree to come to their aid and Neytiri tells him “Nature doesn’t take sides; she just restores the balance”. Maybe the earth shifts are part of that restoration in some way we do not understand. In any case, spiritually, we are all being shaken awake.
I have been enjoying how the viral nature of information in our internet age is showing us now that nothing can remain a secret. We can no longer claim innocence and ignorance of the total corruption of politics and politicians; the financially irresponsible practices of big business, banks and insurance companies; the hypocrisy of religious institutions; the deliberate misinformation put out by the “news” media; the shadowy lives of our sports and media “stars” – the list goes on and on as bloggers and videographers are reaching larger and larger numbers of people through on-line sources and the “social media” of You Tube, Facebook, Twitter and Flickr. We simply can no longer stay in our stupor, assuming that our institutions are working for “we, the people” or that, in fact, anything is as it seems to be.
Many people are overwhelmed by all this. Add the stresses of long term unemployment, lack of acceptable health coverage, stress and fatigue for those hanging on in work that gives them no sense of meaning, strained relationships – the list is long – it is all taking it’s toll. The pain is especially great for those who have no spiritual resources or practices. Many are now seeking deeper answers. Those that have been seeking for some time are needing to gather in community with others to strengthen their practices and to feel more connected. We are all being asked to make new decisions about what really is of value to us. We don’t know what the new “normal” will be as we awaken from our trance, but we sure know that what is, is not working for us.
On a personal level, I have been feeling the pressure of the astrological forces since last spring, as all these major planetary line-ups directly aspect my Pisces sun and kicked in a while ago. I went into complete melt-down last year when the business seemed to go into free-fall as groups and individuals either cancelled or did not book at all, and I honestly did not know if I would be able to keep it going. I faced the ultimate possibility of losing everything, at least financially. My spiritual path to this endeavor took me via Assisi and St. Francis (see my blog post of January 19) and the challenge to give everything I had to my calling, so I had nothing in reserve. My response was to own up to my situation and ask for help from as many sources as I could think of – something that was really challenging to my pride and need for privacy and would never have happened except in extremis !
I have been sitting on this black hole for the past year while working really hard. Some of the responses to my cries for help were amazing – witness the great video now on the home page of our website courtesy of those fabulous and generous folk, Lynn and Morris Walker. As always, of course, the lesson is in the mirroring – when I can allow myself to be seen to be vulnerable and in need of help – others are empowered to respond and the flow can go both ways. Duh!!!
I have also let go of my resistance and embraced the new media and you are now as a result reading my blog, you can be our friend on Facebook and follow us on Twitter and goddess-knows whatever else, courtesy of my new helper, Stephanie. I am amazed at this new ever- connected world that these young people take for granted, while those of us with grayer hair struggle to embrace and keep up with it. For me, especially, the need to surrender some level of privacy and be willing to be more exposed, is a challenge – but then that has been the challenge of artists always as they put their souls into a piece of work and then invite the world to judge them. Except the world has in the past been somewhat limited except for a famous few, while now we literally put ourselves up on the “world wide web” !
As for the business, I am seeing that the demand for the kind of retreat we offer is recovering, and indeed will soon exceed what it was before, as people realize the value of a taking a relaxing break from the craziness of the world, to recharge and reconnect with nature in a powerful setting, to strengthen bonds with their families and with their spiritual communities, and to develop practices which bring inner strength and a sense of meaning.
I know there is more to come – for us all, as the planet of complete surprise – Uranus – joins the mix this summer. But I feel stronger now that I have faced and survived the possibility of total loss, and know that I can embrace all that will be. One of the things I am noticing has changed since my emergence from my winter rest (see my blog post of January 27) is that all the “if only’s” have disappeared. I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to do, doing it well, enjoying it and fully in trust that when the time is right for change, it will happen gracefully. I am amazed at the shift in my core being that has occurred already in this process and I am deeply grateful to have reached this peaceful and joyful place in my life.
When anyone asks my friend, Peter, how he’s doing, he answers “I’m living the dream”. And his voicemail message says “Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now – I’m probably too busy counting my blessings”. Bless you, Peter, for these fabulous mantras!
Melita
* For those who want to know more about the astrology: Pluto in Capricon squaring Saturn in Libra and Uranus/Jupiter in Aries, all in early degrees of cardinal signs. Check out markborax.com – read the archives of his “Cosmic Weather Report” and sign up for those to come.
I have been reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book “Committed”. I enjoyed “Eat, Pray, Love”, the best-selling tale of her experiences in Italy, India and Indonesia in a year out she gave herself to heal following a miserable divorce. Two years later, out of necessity rather than free choice, she finds herself contemplating marriage again, something she is terrified of. But it seems this is the only way she will be able to live in the U.S. with her foreign lover after he is deported for too frequent visits. Committed is about her attempt to make peace with this idea by researching the socio- historical and cultural backgrounds to this complicated institution while she travelled with her man in Asia, waiting for his visa to wind its slow way through the inexorable channels of US Homeland Security and Immigration.
I have experienced something similar. I was living in the US under an investor visa so that I could take care of my business. But, had I sold Oregon House, I would have had to leave and go back to the UK. I met my husband, Dave, after I had been here 4 years. Our decision to marry was a difficult one for us as we had both been previously married and divorced in a way that left us wary of diving in again. But we recognized that we needed to face our fears in order to take the pressure off the immigration situation. So I empathized with Elizabeth and was curious to read what she had discovered.
Elizabeth finds herself among a group of Hmong women in northern Vietnam, talking with them about their marriages and husbands, discovering that their world view was so different from hers that they just didn’t understand questions like “When did you first meet your husband?” “Did you realize he was special right away?” For these women, their marriages were not central, or even particularly important, to their lives. They had strong connections with other women and with the entire community and tribe.
This is so much in contrast with our cultural expectations with its emphasis on individuality. From childhood we in the west, and particularly in the USA, are encouraged to chase our dreams, seek a life which makes us happy, recognize and spare no effort to fulfill our unique potential. In the very Declaration of Independence, Americans claimed the inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness and the right to overthrow their government if it imposed conditions which made it impossible for the people to be happy – an interesting thought with the current gridlock in Washington.
But all this pursuing does sound like hard work, doesn’t it? No wonder we are so stressed. And our marriages, perhaps the single most important decision we make, take on an enormous significance and weight. Our choice of mate reflects who we are and we expect him/her to be our lover, best friend, sharer of domestic and child-rearing tasks, support and comfort in times of challenge and everything else in between. So many people live such isolated lives these days, miles away from extended family and early friends, with little or no community, that these nuclear families are the norm. And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high?.
But let’s not – and Elizabeth certainly does not – romanticize the lives of the Hmong or other tribal women, which are often restricted and challenging in ways we find hard to contemplate and would not wish to exchange.
So I found myself contemplating just what it meant to pursue happiness. I remembered a card I have pinned to my bedroom wall. It shows a narrow path crossing dry high mountains, with a small group of Tibetan monks walking way in the distance. And at the bottom of the card is the Buddhist saying “There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way”. In other words happiness is a choice made every moment of every day, no matter what the surroundings or current experiences. It is not “out there”, but “in here”.
I wondered how that jibed with our Declaration of Independence. So I googled “pursuit”. And there are two similar but subtly different meanings to this word. The first is the one we usually think of – a “quest”, an “effort to secure or attain”, with the following synonyms “chase”, “hunt”, “search”.
Then there is a second meaning – “an occupation, pastime, interest in which a person is regularly or customarily engaged”, with the synonyms “activity”, “preoccupation”, “inclination”. There – especially that last one! What if we re-imagined our right to pursue happiness and thought of it less as a quest to attain it and more as an inclination toward it. Wouldn’t that change everything? Wouldn’t that bring it back in, as a choice, rather than as something outside ourselves? Haven’t we all learned by now that the acquisition of “stuff” doesn’t do it?
Perhaps there is a happy medium. Most of us are not evolved enough to be able to maintain our joy even in the most terrible of circumstances, which is the aim of deep spiritual practices. We need a minimum of basic comfort – food, shelter, community, reward for work. The Founding Fathers were very wise and spiritual men, so I can’t help but think that they understood this but their intent has been misinterpreted and our wrong thinking has driven our materialism, as we endlessly chase the things or circumstances we believe will bring us happiness but discover that it seems always to stay out of reach. Whether or not they did, in this time of the turning of the ages, at least for those of us who have a roof over our heads and food on the table and the love of friends and family, maybe we could find that alternative approach more attractive, and learn to choose happiness every day no matter what happens. It is my mantra for 2010 and I breathe slowly and remind myself whenever I feel stress coming on.
Melita
Have you ever gone for a massage or acupuncture, or a healing, or paid someone to pay attention to you in some other way – to cut your hair or paint your nails, for example? A session with a therapist. Or has a friend invited you over for lunch "because you need cheering up"? And then, at the end of the session, or after an hour or so, found yourself having a nice chat and they tell you a story about themselves or their opinion about something or someone? So that, by the time you leave, you feel more exhausted than when you arrived? What just happened? You came for a fill-up and left drained.
I remember recently watching that wonderful Japanese movie Departures? If you saw it, do you remember that, after our lead players had done their job in a ceremony where they washed, dressed, made up and prepared the dead body for the casket in front of the grieving relatives, they handed over to the funeral director and immediately rushed out to enjoy a sumptuous meal? I loved the line, as they were relishing their food "This is so good, I hate myself". Well, this is what’s happening. They have given a healing to those close to the deceased person as they prepared the body, channeling into this ceremony all the grief and rage, while remaining "unseen" themselves. And then, when it is over for them, they need to fill themselves up again, for they have given so much energy in the process. One way to do this is to eat, which may be fun but can be unhealthy. Another way is to simply suck back out the other person the energy you have just given them, one way or the other. People in intimate relationship do this all the time to each other. We’ve all experienced the energetic vampire who can never get enough. As healers we need to be aware of this.
I have a confession here, that I have been on both sides of this. I have noticed my tendency to start talking about myself after I have spent some time supporting another person. I am usually able to detect and counter this urge in a more formal session where I am the "counsellor" or "healer". But if it is a more casual encounter, say a guest comes into the office, it can be more difficult to detect the shift because it just felt like we were having a chat and sharing can create trust. But, in my position at Oregon House, I have to stay aware and realize when a casual chat morphs into something else and my guest really needs my listening attention because, as so often happens on this powerful land, something has come up for them which they need to release.
On the receiving end, if I am the client paying someone for their time and expertise, I try to meet the need to some extent if they start to pull energy back from me at the end. I feel what’s happening, acknowledge it internally, allow some rebalancing, then find a way to leave before I am completely drained. If, however, the habit is repeated because the person I have consulted has not acknowledged what they do and what their own needs are, then I find another person to go to.
When I am the "healer", I make time to fill myself back up in a healthy way after a session, usually through an exchange with nature, which is an infinite source of energy. I go for a walk on the beach or in the woods. I breathe deeply. Or I listen to music, another resource for me. I try to avoid other people, if only for a few minutes. Of course, ideally and with enough practice and consciousness, healers can be in an unblocked state, a clear channel, so that the energy of the universe simply flows through them to the other and takes nothing at all from them. I wish – but I am not there yet.
I love the metaphor of the filling station for what we do as healers and wrote this fun poem called "Holding Space" about it a few years ago:
Hanging around, waiting for someone to show up. What does this one need? How can I serve? Some reflection. Some loving attention. It’s simple really. Giving love to a soul who needs filling up again – like a gas station attendant.
But pick your spot carefully. Hide and they won’t find you, Then what? On a busy cross-section they’ll be lining up. Could be too much to stay there for long.
And shall we hang out together? Then we can play when there are no customers. And there will be two of us when it gets busy. Sounds like a good idea to me.
I also wrote "Choose"
Choose where you put your energy. There are always people needing it, wanting it. I’ll give you my attention, my energy, while you work, struggle, cry. Then I must pull it back or I lose myself.
Why does it serve me to obsess about you? Give you my energy, my power, no control? I just lose myself. Is this what I want? There are thick rubber bands between us. It’s hard not to.
But we must keep it moving. Energy stuck doesn’t serve either. So you can have some of mine, I’ll take it back from the stars, the earth. It’s a matter of choice – or should be- keeping my own tank full.
Melita
Sadly our friend and neighbor, Bill Bodewig, with his young companion Nick Lutz, was recently taken by the ocean in a drowning accident while surf fishing off the rocks at the north end of our beach.
His wife, Sarah, sent us a lovely card commemorating Bill, showing a photo of him smiling broadly with a huge salmon in each hand and several other fish around his feet. He’d had a great day fishing and Sarah would like us all to remember him like this.
She also included a wonderful poem by Pablo Neruda which I’d like to share with you as it is so perfect for anyone who mourns the loss of a loved one:
If I die, survive me with such great force
that you awaken the furies of the pallid and the cold,
from south to south lift your indelible eyes,
from sun to sun dream your singing mouth.
I don’t want your laughter or your steps to waver,
I don’t want my heritage of joy to die.
Don’t call up my person. I am absent.
Live in my absence as if in a house.
Absence is a house so vast
that inside you will pass through its walls
and hang pictures on the air.
Absence is a house so transparent
that I, lifeless, will see you, living,
and if you suffer, my love, I will die again.
We will remember Bill, and always be grateful, for two major ways in which he was there for us. In our first year here he skillfully felled two large trees right in front of the Estate House which were considered potentially dangerous, one because it had a big lean over the parking area in front of the office and was rotten on the stressed edge, and one which had a split top. Then, some years later when our water sources were unable to keep up with the water usage during a couple of very dry years, he successfully laid a new water line across tricky terrain. Later we discovered that the source of our problems was a big but hidden leak that Dave found quite by accident (or guidance!) and was able to repair, so we removed the line.
But I’ll never forget either day. The terror that the trees would do damage as they fell, then witnessing the immense skill with which Bill brought them down with minimal impact. And the whooping joy to see all that water suddenly pouring into our storage tank.
Energetically, I realized later that this latter event was a turning point here at Oregon House. Water is essential to life and what had been a survival-threatening loss of “power” became a life-affirming positive flow, and our fortunes changed. Thank you, Bill. We will miss you.
Melita & Dave
PS If you know anyone who has suffered a sudden loss, I recommend Joan Didion’s “A Year of Magical Thinking”.
With Candlemas/Ground Hog Day approaching and the days lengthening, I am finding myself emerging from my winter rest.
It has become a welcome and needed pattern for me to wind down after Thanksgiving to go deep into the darkness of the Winter Solstice. Then Dave & I love to bring in the light with a Christmas tree sometime between Solstice and Christmas Day, a wonderful reminder of the reemergence of the light to come. Sometimes I feel so lethargic in this deep place that it feels as though I will never have any energy again – it can be quite scary! But I have learned that, as I allow myself to indulge and fully rest in the dark winter days, the more enthusiasm and energy comes back to me as we move into spring. During that time I don’t try to figure things out or work at the issues I face, I just sleep a lot, read, soak in long afternoon baths. Then, as I emerge, I find ideas and answers simply present themselves to me. I find, in fact, that it is I who has changed, not the situation. So I wonder just who is going to emerge each spring, as I always find I have embodied some profound difference when I "awaken". This year for example I am already noticing that I am more peaceful at a deeper level, less anxious, more patient, so that I am willing to wait for situations to unfold and respond in the moment to opportunities without the resistance my mind has often put up in the past.
I have a similar weekly pattern. I usually work at Oregon House over the weekends with groups coming in and out. Then Monday is a busy day dealing with emails and phone calls at home. By Tuesday afternoon I begin to wind down to enjoy a full "Sabbath" on Wednesday – a long day I have completely to myself, as Dave is out that evening at drill (he is a volunteer firefighter and EMT with the Seal Rock Fire Department). Thursday is the one day we have off together – we sometimes have a movie date or lunch out, or relax at home, maybe doing a project or two. If I slip in my commitment to myself or if circumstances will not allow me to have this rhythm, if groups come in or leave mid-week for example, I am thrown off balance and need to find a different way to regroup. The crystal bed has been a great blessing for me – I take a session at the end of my working week, whenever that is, and it helps rebalance me.
It is no wonder to me that most people are stressed and sick, especially at this time of year, because modern life does not encourage such a cycle of work and rest. In fact the commercialization of Christmas sends most folk into a frenzy of activity just when natural rhythms demand the opposite. It’s as though we are so frightened of those dark, deep places, that we have designed a way to distract ourselves and avoid the journey inwards, and the results are so unhealthy.
I am grateful that I have the will and opportunity to go with this natural flow – and need to remind myself of this if I start to complain when we are so busy in the summer that I can’t take a vacation! I can easily forget that the natural rhythm supports activity in summer even though it seems everyone else is relaxing.
Melita
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