Have you ever gone for a massage or acupuncture, or a healing, or paid someone to pay attention to you in some other way – to cut your hair or paint your nails, for example? A session with a therapist. Or has a friend invited you over for lunch "because you need cheering up"? And then, at the end of the session, or after an hour or so, found yourself having a nice chat and they tell you a story about themselves or their opinion about something or someone? So that, by the time you leave, you feel more exhausted than when you arrived? What just happened? You came for a fill-up and left drained.
I remember recently watching that wonderful Japanese movie Departures? If you saw it, do you remember that, after our lead players had done their job in a ceremony where they washed, dressed, made up and prepared the dead body for the casket in front of the grieving relatives, they handed over to the funeral director and immediately rushed out to enjoy a sumptuous meal? I loved the line, as they were relishing their food "This is so good, I hate myself". Well, this is what’s happening. They have given a healing to those close to the deceased person as they prepared the body, channeling into this ceremony all the grief and rage, while remaining "unseen" themselves. And then, when it is over for them, they need to fill themselves up again, for they have given so much energy in the process. One way to do this is to eat, which may be fun but can be unhealthy. Another way is to simply suck back out the other person the energy you have just given them, one way or the other. People in intimate relationship do this all the time to each other. We’ve all experienced the energetic vampire who can never get enough. As healers we need to be aware of this.
I have a confession here, that I have been on both sides of this. I have noticed my tendency to start talking about myself after I have spent some time supporting another person. I am usually able to detect and counter this urge in a more formal session where I am the "counsellor" or "healer". But if it is a more casual encounter, say a guest comes into the office, it can be more difficult to detect the shift because it just felt like we were having a chat and sharing can create trust. But, in my position at Oregon House, I have to stay aware and realize when a casual chat morphs into something else and my guest really needs my listening attention because, as so often happens on this powerful land, something has come up for them which they need to release.
On the receiving end, if I am the client paying someone for their time and expertise, I try to meet the need to some extent if they start to pull energy back from me at the end. I feel what’s happening, acknowledge it internally, allow some rebalancing, then find a way to leave before I am completely drained. If, however, the habit is repeated because the person I have consulted has not acknowledged what they do and what their own needs are, then I find another person to go to.
When I am the "healer", I make time to fill myself back up in a healthy way after a session, usually through an exchange with nature, which is an infinite source of energy. I go for a walk on the beach or in the woods. I breathe deeply. Or I listen to music, another resource for me. I try avoid other people, if only for a few minutes. Of course, ideally and with enough practice and consciousness, healers can be in an unblocked state, a clear channel, so that the energy of the universe simply flows through them to the other and takes nothing at all from them. I wish – but I am not there yet.
I love the metaphor of the filling station for what we do as healers and wrote this fun poem called "Holding Space" about it a few years ago:
Hanging around, waiting for someone to show up. What does this one need? How can I serve? Some reflection. Some loving attention. It’s simple really. Giving love to a soul who needs filling up again – like a gas station attendant.
But pick your spot carefully. Hide and they won’t find you, Then what? On a busy cross-section they’ll be lining up. Could be too much to stay there for long.
And shall we hang out together? Then we can play when there are no customers. And there will be two of us when it gets busy. Sounds like a good idea to me.
I also wrote "Choose"
Choose where you put your energy. There are always people needing it, wanting it. I’ll give you my attention, my energy, while you work, struggle, cry. Then I must pull it back or I lose myself.
Why does it serve me to obsess about you? Give you my energy, my power, no control? I just lose myself. Is this what I want? There are thick rubber bands between us. It’s hard not to.
But we must keep it moving. Energy stuck doesn’t serve either. So you can have some of mine, I’ll take it back from the stars, the earth. It’s a matter of choice – or should be- keeping my own tank full.
Melita